I’ve written two posts about my struggles with finding time to work on my own and client projects, and why that is. I haven’t published either because I just haven’t figured this whole thing out yet, after two years of being a mom I thought I’d at least be closer.
I don’t feel like I ever get anything done. There’s cleaning, laundry, client work, un-responded to emails, personal projects… all waiting on me. It’s never ending. There’s a hundred things to do before I can even look at my to-do list.
And then I feel lame after reading about stay-at-home-moms that blow me away in the housekeeping/meal-making departments, all while fitting in super cool crafts and daily blog posts. It’s not helping either that I’m reading the books The Feminine Mistake, Are we giving up to much? by Leslie Bennetts and Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg. Which both make me feel lame for not having a full-time job and career. Although, my husband would argue that I DO have a full-time job – taking care of our daughter.
He asked me last night about the workshop I’ve been working on for over a year now – maybe longer?
Husband: Do you really want to do it? It just seems like it makes you feel bad.
Me: I really really do want to finish it.
Husband: What do you need to do it?
I mentioned that maybe having an entire week to JUST work on that would help. Time like I used to have. We’ve had so many plans this summer, things are just now getting back to normal – for the next three weeks at least, and then 2 weeks of not getting anything done again. “It’s always somethings,” I said. He agreed, “it’s always something.”
And then there’s the idea of daycare. My mom watches our daughter 2 days a week. He mentioned that maybe we could find a daycare for one day a week – so I’d have 3 days instead of 2. Daycare. Just thinking of dropping her off to spend the day with strangers makes my stomach lurch up into my throat and I instantly get tears in my eyes. I’m not ready for that. I don’t know how I’m going to send her to preschool next year.
All of these thoughts are so at odds with each other. I want to spend everyday at home making sure she’s happy and learning and thriving. I also want a fulfilling career – to finish this workshop and build a community that not only helps my crafty peers but also makes a bit of money. I want to contribute financially to my family. I do a little now, through client work, but not much for the time I spend – a whole other blog post. Clients, if you’re reading this – I really do enjoy all of you and please don’t take this personally.
And this is the point where I give up on the blog post because I don’t know how to finish it, then it sits in the draft folder collecting dust with all my other to-dos. Ha!